Dark and Light Combine
by moonlit yew
Summary: ***UPDATED June 28th*** No slash. Remus-centric...death, vampires, wandless magic, friendship, blood and tears, showdown w/ Voldie later. !!!!!R/R PLEASE!!!!!
1. Teaser

Sirius awoke to the sound of something hitting the floor hard followed by a short yelp of pain. Still half asleep, he ran across the hall and into Rem's room. Upon turning on the lights, he found that Remus wasn't in bed. Now even more confused, Siri circled around to find his best friend having some kind of a fit on the cold hard floor. Instincts now took over his actions. He rushed to his friend's side and fell to his knees. He quickly pulled a pillow off his bed and laid Lupin's head on it as gently as he could. Then he did his best to keep Rem from hurting himself until the seizure passed.  
  
Black had never seen such a thing in his life. Though the sight was deeply disturbing, something kept his eyes glued to his former schoolmate's shaking form. His face was twisted in pain and his eyes were shut as tightly as humanly possible. His arms and legs were completely tensed up and twitching. Remus' back was at an arch and his breathing was hard, fast, and ragged. Sirius had a time keeping his swiftly rolling and turning head from hitting the leg of the bed or dresser. Not to mention watching out behind him for a kick and trying to loosen Lupin's fists, which were so tightly closed Black wouldn't be surprised if his long nails had drawn blood. The shakes got gradually worse and at what appeared to be the apex tremor Rem let a long low moan seep from parched lips. The pitiful sound was nearly enough to bring Sirius to tears. He simply had to try to stop this soon. Hopelessly, he tried to talk Lupin back to earth.  
  
"Remus? C'mon Rem, it's me. You have to be strong, okay? Control. Control yourself. You can fight this. Just relax, buddy, c'mon. Moony, it's all right. Everything's fine. You're strong. You can stop this. You're strong. Relax. Everything is going to be fine. You hear me?? C'mon Remus, I know you can hear me."  
  
Rather suddenly, the shakes subsided and Lupin became as stiff as a board. For a few seconds all was deathly silent and then Moony seemed to melt in Sirius' hold with a long weary sigh. All his muscles seemed to turn to Jell- O and within seconds he was completely limp. Now he almost seemed asleep except that his breath was still quicker than normal.  
  
"Remus? Can you hear me?" Black asked softly.  
  
Lupin swallowed and worked his mouth a little. His eyes opened and rolled slightly as he tried with difficulty to focus them on something. Once he did a confused expression crossed his tired face. Sirius realized that his friend didn't seem to know where he was exactly.  
  
"We're still home. Don't worry. You just fell off the bed, that's all." "Oh." Moony breathed. And then, realizing for the first time whom was talking to him, said, "Oh God. I'm so sorry." He looked down and away from Black's face in shame. "I'm sorry you had to see that." Black felt his heart sink. He was always sorry for something. Even if he did nothing wrong. It tore him up inside to see his friend so gloomy all the time. What hurt more is that he didn't try to fight the depression. It was as if he felt he deserved it for being.well, for being who he was. When he said sorry it was as if he was taking the blame for all the evil in the world and accepting the injustice of it all under the reality that nothing could change it.  
  
"It's alright.You don't have to be sorry. I'm glad I heard you. You might've hurt yourself. Do you think you can make it into bed? You look like shit." He said with a grin." "Not quite yet, no. Maybe when the room stops spinning." Rem smiled thinly at this and brought his hands up to his temples. "That's not funny, buddy." Black said now with a serious face. "I know it isn't." His friend replied simply. He sighed slowly. "It's not funny at all." 


	2. Disclaimer

Forgot about this.  
  
Disclaimer - I do not own Harry Potter or anything associated with it. No money is being made from this.  
  
P.S. Sorry I'm taking my sweet time updating. School is kicking my butt. Thank you for your patience. ~K 


	3. Company

"There's no more comforting a place than in the company of an old friend."  
  
~~~~~Remus POV~~~~~  
  
He's back. The only person left from my past is finally safe and sound. He's been washed and well fed. (Very well fed.) He's asleep now. But I'd be lying if I said it's been like old times around here lately. It's been awkward and tense. There are so many closed up emotions in us that we just don't know where to start. I sit up late into the night. Sipping tea in the dim kitchen light. I hear Sirius come in after almost 2 hours.  
  
"Hey." He says.  
  
"You should be resting." I answer quietly.  
  
"Couldn't sleep."  
  
"Hmm. Nightmares?"  
  
"Yeah." we're silent for a while, lost in our separate thoughts. It's now that an idea strikes me.  
  
"I think I know a spell that can help you. Let me go look it up."  
  
  
  
~~~~~Sirius POV~~~~~  
  
Before I can even speak he leaves the room. I don't think it'll work. The spell, I mean. But I'm thankful anyway. I sigh sleepily - annoyed with all my jumbled thoughts. There's so much I long to say to him. Shouldn't it be a joyous reunion? No, I guess that's too much to ask for in these dark times. I look sadly around the tiny house. I always thought with his brilliant mind he'd surely do better than this. Worn scant furniture, nearly empty closet and cabinets.poor guy. He seems so . hopeless. This world has definitely taken its' toll on him. Plus the stress of the Curse. Man, I never realized before how alone he must feel.. I look up as he enters the room again. He has a large dark green tome in his hands, using his wand as a bookmark.  
  
~~~~~Fly on the wall POV~~~~~  
  
Remus plunked the heavy-looking book down on the table looking very happy to be of help.  
  
"Err.Rem? I'm not sure this is gonna work out."  
  
"I'm sure it will, don't worry. It'll be fine."  
  
"Well, what does the spell do exactly?" Hope and curiosity were clearly heard in his voice.  
  
"It'll take away your stresses. You'll feel much better when I'm done with you, I swear. Just give me moment to re-read the details."  
  
"Uh, alright." A matter of minutes passed before Remus spoke again.  
  
"Okay, I think I've got it. Now, this is an older one so you have more of a part in it. Right after I perform the spell, you have to think very hard about all the things that have been bothering, distracting, or troubling you alright?"  
  
"Sure, whatever will get me some sleep."  
  
"Okay then, here we go. 'Deburdenium'."  
  
The tip of Moony's wand glowed with a pale yellow light as he placed the tip unto Siri's forehead. Black started concentrating on all his worries. 1,000 thoughts seemed to flow from his boggled mind. The result was instantaneous. Black felt a full 10 years younger. When he opened his eyes, though, he found Lupin looking exhausted, like he hadn't slept in days.  
  
"Hey. You all right? Did it drain you?" he asked concerned.  
  
"No, I'm fine. Do you feel better?"  
  
"Amazingly.yeah!" Black said gleefully. His friend's tired face broke into a wide grin.  
  
"Good. Now it's really late. Let's both get some sleep."  
  
"Yeah." Sirius yawned. "Hey, how long does this spell last anyway?"  
  
"As long as it's needed." Black's smile just grew hopelessly bigger.  
  
"Thanks buddy." He said, giving Lupin's thin shoulder a squeeze.  
  
"It's nothing. Now it's really time for bed." Said Rem, feigning a serious face.  
  
"Yes, Mom." Laughed Black as he finally made his way to his room. Meanwhile Moony headed towards the couch he was currently sleeping on.  
  
Remus' head ached and hands shook as he gently lay his head down on the lumpy pillow. It felt as if a great weight had been placed on his chest, keeping his breath shallow.  
  
"Now I know why no one uses 'Deburdenium', he thought. "The spell castor takes the burden on himself - physically.but it's the least I can do after I betrayed him." So Rem fell asleep with guilty thoughts full of self- disgust.  
  
Sirius, on the other hand was busy singing mental praises to his werewolf pal.  
  
"First he gives me that pivotal hug in the Shrieking Shack, then he gives me a roof over my head, money for new robes, food, his soft warm bed, and now he's managed to get me to relax for the first time in recent memory. I don't even want to think of where I'd be without him. Probably in a ruddy cave floor somewhere."  
  
And for the first time in 12 years, Sirius Black fell asleep with a smile on his face.  
  
A/N Read? Review! ^_^ Comments are welcome but no flames please. 


	4. Owl Post and Teasing

The following morning Remus woke up earlier than he'd have liked to the sound of an owl tapping on his window. Lupin un-characteristically stumbled over to the window and opened it. Rem was already laying back down as the letter was dropped unto his chest. To his annoyance, the bird landed on his arm and started hooting urgently. Wondering what on Earth could be so important, Moony finally opened his eyes. What he saw woke him in a flash.  
  
Perched on his arm was a beautiful large tawny owl. There was a neon ring around her left leg. The band was glowing a bright orange color. Any wizard could tell you that this message was important. An orange band means that the letter is to be read and answered ASAP.  
  
Snapping to attention, Remus hurriedly opened the oddly un-marked letter. Even when alone, Lupin has a habit of keeping his facial expression neutral. So his eyes only widened slightly as he finished reading the note from Dumbledore. What a person could not tell from looking is that the ex- marauder's heart was beating at an alarming rate.  
  
Despite this, Rem answered back surely and quickly with barely a moments thought - 'Of course, yes. I'll do it.' He sent the owl away with a treat and a pat on the head.  
  
Suddenly unable to sleep, Moony went for a nice long shower to clear his head. He needed time to digest this news and figure out how to tell Sirius.  
  
"Sirius." Rem thought. "Will he be angry about this? Will he object? No, he'll understand. I have to do this. And if he does get upset, Dumbledore gave me a week to prepare myself. Maybe in that time I can get him to see things my way."  
  
His hair still dripping in coffee-colored strands around his head, Moony set to work cooking breakfast for Sirius and himself. After charming it to stay hot, Lupin settled himself back on the couch trying to catch his breath.  
  
"I hope the effects of that spell wane soon." He thought to himself. Suddenly his eyelids were very heavy. He didn't even know he'd drifted off until Black tapped him on the shoulder.  
  
"Hey, are you gonna eat or what?"  
  
"Huh? Oh yeah, right."  
  
Sirius just smiled and walked off towards the food. Lupin could smell the shampoo as his friend walked away. So he showered.  
  
Moony swayed slightly as he stood too quickly. He was glad Padfoot hadn't noticed.  
  
So the two ate together in semi-comfortable silence. Rem could tell something was on Sirius' mind by the way his foot was going a mile a minute.  
  
"Something wrong?"  
  
"Well, no. Not exactly."  
  
"C'mon, what is it?"  
  
Sirius sighed. "I was just wondering when you were going to drop your cloak of mystery, that's all."  
  
"Come again?" Lupin played dumb.  
  
"I've been staying here for how many days now? 5? 6? And you've hardly said a word to me this whole time. Our conversation last night was the most I've heard of your voice in over a decade!"  
  
When Remus did not answer Siri continued. This time his voice was less harsh and almost sounded pleading.  
  
"Why haven't you told me how you've been? What you've been up to?"  
  
"Well, honestly, I don't know why I haven't been talking, Padfoot. Maybe I thought my past was unimportant considering everything else that's been going on as of late." Moony laughed softly. "I didn't even know you cared, really. But if you're really curious - " Black cut him off.  
  
"Of course I'm curious!"  
  
"Okay, okay. Let me think for a moment." After a pause and a sigh Rem spoke.  
  
"First of all, I was always traveling, moving around to wherever work was available you know."  
  
"Yeah, what kind of jobs did you hold?"  
  
"Medi-wizard's assistant, private tutor, I wrote for the Daily Prophet shortly, Book keeper, Cauldron - bottom Inspector. "  
  
Black exaggerated a yawn.  
  
"Anything even remotely interesting?"  
  
Rem smiled, mischief making his eyes glow.  
  
"What? What are you hiding?" Sirius eyed his friend suspiciously.  
  
"Well, there was this one job that might prove exciting even to you."  
  
"Yes? Yes? What was it?"  
  
"It was my longest lasting job, too, now that I think on it. Four years." Padfoot was practically having spasms in anticipation. He could tell by his friend's tone that this was gonna be good.  
  
"The interview nearly killed me. literally." Moony continued, just as calm as could be. Right when Black looked as if he was going to burst, Rem put him out of his misery.  
  
"I was an Exterminator."  
  
Hell had indeed frozen over; Sirius Black was actually struck speechless.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~  
  
  
  
A/N - This chapter was going to be a lot longer but I thought I'd be nice and update much earlier than planned. Plus I thought that was a good way to end. R/R please! Thanks to all who've reviewed already! You all rock! ^_^  
  
  
  
Next Chapter - What is an Exterminator anyway? And maybe some good old -fashioned angst with an explanation about that strange letter.emphasis on the word 'maybe'. 


	5. Regrets and Suspicions

@@##!! DEDICATED TO LYNDA, JUST BECAUSE !!##@@  
For those who don't know, an Exterminator is a unique type of wizard especially trained to take care of violent ghosts, dangerous dark creatures, and other potentially deadly nuisances. They tackle jobs that no one else would touch with a 10ft wand. They remove pesky bobby traps and curses, clean out haunted houses, and control the vampire population in Romania.  
  
"Ex-men" are extremely rare. Most people don't even think they exist anymore. They are taught about in school as a profession that hasn't been active for years.  
  
It's nearly impossible to become an Ex-man. (Or woman) After you are 'summoned', there are a number of tests of the mental, physical, and magical type. Less than 20% of those chosen get their tag, marking them an Ex-man for life.  
  
The rarity of new recruits, along with the radical stories of Exterminator's power and skill has raised Ex-men to the status of legend or myth.  
  
"I heard one took on an entire coven single-handedly - and won!"  
  
"They say even Aurors pay them respect."  
  
"Wow! I didn't know any type of wizard was strong enough to put cocky Aurors in their place!"  
  
And so Rem wasn't surprised at all when the first two words Sirius chocked out were:  
  
"They're real?"  
  
Lupin just smiled serenely as Black's mouth continued to move like a fish out of water. After a few minutes of this shocked silence, though, Remus felt a little hurt.  
  
"You don't have to look so surprised, you know . " he said softly.  
  
"I'm not surprised, buddy. I'm impressed!"  
  
Moony's smile grew bigger and he nodded his head in satisfaction as he allowed himself a small amount of pride. When he felt he'd indulged himself enough, he spoke again.  
  
"But we can talk more about that later."  
  
"Yeah, sure. Whatever you want." Sirius answered looking a little disappointed.  
  
A silence fell over them once more as Rem tried to think about what else to say. There were of course a great number of stories that would raise a few too many questions. The point of this talk is to eliminate, not create, suspicions and questions.  
  
"I know all too well what you're wondering about, Padfoot." Black looked more than a little upset about this innocent comment.  
  
"What? What could I possibly be wondering about?"  
  
Moony gave his friend a confused look but carried on in his playful tone.  
  
"Well, my love life, naturally." Sirius' face immediately relaxed but Rem could still sense his unease.  
  
"Oh, yes, right. You know me too well, Moony." He said with an obviously forced laugh.  
  
"Well, in that department I'm afraid there's not too much to tell . "  
  
"Nothing at all? I somehow find that hard to believe" Black probed.  
  
"Well, there were of course relationships, though they were few and far between. Hardly any truly meant something to me. And even fewer than that ended well. And I basically have had no action since Snape spilled my secret." Lupin drifted off and his eyes became shadowed. Finally his pained expression seemed to register in Sirius' mind.  
  
"It's okay, man. You don't have to tell me any more. I'm satisfied. Thanks for cluing me in. And with a reassuring pat on the back, he was gone, probably to take another nap.  
  
As soon as he was gone, Rem groaned and set his head down on the table - hard.  
  
"Damn, I didn't even tell him anything big and still the memories come." He thought.  
  
Meanwhile, Sirius was looking with narrowed eyes at the ceiling above Moony's bed.  
  
"Damn, I just know he's hiding something. Why else would he take such long pauses? It was obvious he was mentally omitting parts of his past, skipping certain details. I'm not blind. I saw his eyes. There was some real agony there. Wish he'd open up. Maybe in a few days when he's more comfortable."  
  
And with that, sleep crept over him and he knew only blackness.  
~~~~~~~~~~***FLASHBACKS***~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Is this all real?" a young voice asks.  
  
"Yes, little one. This is your home now."  
  
A female voice full of wisdom speaks.  
  
"Your name will be Snow."  
  
"Snow." The boy repeats under his breath, still in awe.  
  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
"Isn't this wrong?" he questioned.  
  
"How else are we supposed to get by, boy? Work? Ha! Where would we work? With THEM? As far as I know, there's no other way for us to survive. But if you have any clever alternatives, child, I'm listening."  
  
Silence.  
  
"Well?"  
  
"No sir."  
  
"I thought so. Now keep your damn mouth shut and watch how it's done."  
  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
"Remember. If you hear a siren, run. Spread out and do not look back. Do not go back for slow ones. Those who get caught are weak and deserve their fate."  
  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
She was the most perfect being ever to walk this earth.  
  
"Go introduce yourself, boy."  
  
"Huh? What?" he asks, distracted by her swaying stride.  
  
The old one grins down at him, mischief making his dark brown eyes shine.  
  
"She's about your age, Snow."  
  
"Oh really?"  
  
"Oh yes, indeed. And quite beautiful, too."  
  
"Tell me her name."  
  
"Ask her yourself."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~***END FLASHBACKS***~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"And I did ask her name. And we fell in love. Oh sweet Lynda, I wish I could hold you. Hold you just once mo - " here Moony's voice broke in to a dry sob. (The actual tears stopped coming years ago.)  
  
Desperate to be free from the past, Rem opened up a secret compartment of his desk and retrieved a round purple pill. He conjured a glass of water and swallowed the pill in one swift motion. Knowing he'd hate himself later for using his last sleeping pill for something so minor, Lupin lay down on the couch and was out like a light almost as soon as his head hit the pillow.  
  
Sure, Remus Lupin would hate himself later, but right now he was so relieved he just didn't care anymore. He used his last legal sleeping agent, but it was worth it for a nap free from the torturous clutches of memory.  
  
His last conscience thought was he had easy access to something stronger than Muggle medication to take the pain away . like he used to have.  
~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~  
  
A/N - THANKS TO ALL WHO'VE READ AND REVIEWED!  
  
NEXT CHAPTER - THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM! DUN DUN DUMMMMM! *EVIL LAUGH* 


	6. Break a Sweat

It was breakfast time and there were only 3 days left before Remus had to leave. He still hadn't told Sirius of his plans. Time was running out but Lupin just couldn't find the right moment to tell his best friend that he would be leaving for a while and might never make it back.  
  
About halfway through their meal, Black noticed that their seemed to be two back doors to the house. When he asked Rem what the extra room held, the response was quiet and casual but still surprised him:  
  
"The door on the left is my old workout room." He said smoothly.  
  
Sirius had to bite his tongue to keep from openly insulting his friend. Truth be told, Lupin looked mighty scrawny. Thin and graceful, Rem hardly seemed the type to work out. But the smile trying to surface on his friend's face told him that there was something up his sleeve. Intrigued, he challenged Moony.  
  
"Let's see what you got."  
  
And so, after he was done eating, Siri was taking a sweeping look around the workout room while Lupin changed clothes. The floor was concrete and was lit by fluorescent lights. There were various jump ropes hanging on the left wall and to the right there were a few weights collecting dust in the corner. The real eye-catcher, though, was the professional punching bag that hung from the center of the ceiling. It was a faded blue color and had the words - "Billy the Punching Bag" written in black marker across the top.  
Black smiled and playfully smacked Billy in the side.  
  
"You're free to try it out, you know." A voice said.  
  
Sirius started and turned quickly to scowl at Remus. "I used to hate it when you did that!" he laughed.  
  
Lupin was clad only in a white undershirt and grey sweatpants. He was barefoot and had sweat bands around his wrists and ankles that were magically made to be used as weights.  
  
"You sure? Don't you wanna show me how it's done?" Padfoot smirked.  
  
"No, I have to stretch anyway. Besides, I prefer to put you to shame after you've given it your best shot." Moony flashed a smirk that would have made Severus Snape proud.  
  
"Well, well." Black thought. "It seems as thought he's picked up an attitude over the years . about time."  
  
~~~*~~~  
  
Watching Remus Lupin stretch would make anyone wince. He's extremely flexible and slightly double-jointed on account of his Lycanthropy. In his younger years he would force his shoulder out of joint to entertain the guys and terrorize the girls. Black remembered this and so wasn't surprised when he heard various creaks and pops from behind him while he attacked Billy.  
  
Siri was having a great time. Back in school he was the resident body builder. He'd forgotten how great it feels to move and sweat, how great it feels to be alive. A large smile spread across his face as he worked his wasted muscles and felt his heart beat within him.  
  
When he felt as though his legs were about to collapse beneath him he stopped and sat down on the floor, his back to the wall and legs spread out before him. He caught his breath just as Rem finished warming up and stepped up to take his turn at Billy.  
  
His thin mouth set into a serious line, his heels lifted off the ground as if by routine. He circled clockwise once, and began. His punches were much faster and sharper than Black's had been, and for a right-handed person, he used his left a lot. He did not stay in one place for very long, constantly dodging invisible swings. Siri could tell from his stance that he'd surely been trained. It seemed to come naturally to him; he flowed from one move to the next with out a second's hesitation. Sirius' mouth hung open slightly in surprise.  
  
Rem broke into a sweat rather quickly. It was then that Padfoot guessed that the sweatbands were heavier than they appeared. Moony's face was flushed but happy and Black suspected he also missed how it felt to be alive and active. Rather suddenly he stopped the assault on Billy. Sirius shot his friend a questioning glance.  
  
"I'm going to try something I haven't done in a while. See how rusty I am." He said, still breathing quickly. A little too quickly, it seemed. Padfoot looked on with concern as Remus stripped himself of the sweatbands and placed his hand over his chest and closed his eyes trying to calm his heart. His brows were furrowed slightly as if he was pain.  
  
"Hey, are you-"  
  
"I'm fine." Rem cut him off sternly. His voice was strong and sure though his hands were shaking. "Just give me a second. I want to show you something." He finished.  
  
"I want to show you that I'm strong." Lupin thought.  
  
~~~*~~~  
A/N - Thank you for reading. Reviews are welcome but no flames please. --This is only part of this chapter. I will try to finish it up soon but until then this will have to hold you over. ~K 3/30/2003 


	7. Break a Trust

"I want to show you that I'm strong." Lupin thought.  
  
~~~*~~~  
  
After a few tense moments Rem's breathing slowed to a comfortable rate. Sirius slowly released the breath he'd been holding.  
  
"Sorry about that, Padfoot. I'm okay now, I don't know what that was all about."  
  
"It's alright." Black said with a relieved smile. "You had me scared for a second there, man. Don't do that again!"  
  
"Believe me, I'll try not to." Moony grinned.  
  
"So what did you wanna show me, huh? The proper way to have a heart attack?"  
  
Lupin narrowed his honey-colored eyes. "No! Would you just drop it, Sirius? It's embarrassing enough."  
  
Black raised his arms in defense. "Ok, ok, I'm sorry! I forgot how moody you can get, I'll try to be more careful from now on I swear!"  
  
"You better!" Rem warned. Padfoot laughed openly at the empty threat. "Seriously, though, let me do this. It's been a long time since I had any one to show off to, ya know."  
  
"Show away, buddy!" Lupin nodded.  
  
~~~*~~~  
  
Rem turned to face Billy once again. And once again he circled his 'victim', his eyes clearly conveyed deep concentration. The muscles in his legs were tensing and relaxing, rhythmically getting pumped up.  
  
Suddenly Remus crouched down. His eyes were focused directly on the punching bag; he seemed to have forgotten he wasn't alone. Without a seconds warning he jumped, his feet were nearly a foot above the ground. At the height of the leap, he kicked out and up with his right foot.  
  
At the exact moment he landed back on his right foot, the left shot up and out from behind, striking the bag right on target. Poor Billy didn't know what hit him.  
  
~~~*~~~  
  
"See here?" Rem asked, frozen in place. He was in an odd position, leaning forward with his left leg shooting straight out behind him. "I'm in the perfect position to run away, if need be." He straightened up and strode over to his astonished housemate.  
  
"The first kick was to get a feel of the enemy's size and possibly confuse them by barely brushing them with your foot. That second kick was to actually injure, or at least stun the attacker to give you a chance to get the hell away."  
  
"I see." Black said softly, still looking at his friend in awe.  
  
"Come off it, Padfoot. It wasn't all that spectacular." Rem said, modest as always. And with that he exited the room as if nothing at all surprising happened.  
  
Black was still staring at Billy, watching him swing strongly to and fro. It was a few seconds before Sirius followed Lupin's example and left the room.  
  
"That was quite a kick." He thought as he cut off the lights and shut the door behind him.  
  
~~~*~~~  
  
The following hours passed far too quickly for Remus. There was a growing unease in his gut. He knew time was running out for him to tell Sirius he had to go. Sirius had just gotten out of the shower and was in the kitchen getting himself a snack. Rem was lounging on the couch reading. Well, actually, he was pretending to read. What he was really doing was working up the nerve to tell Siri of his plans.  
  
An owl flying in through the open back door, however, interrupted Lupin's planning as well as the peaceful scene. The owl landed on Remus' lap, dropped the note, and was off. Sirius watched it go and then turned to Rem.  
  
"Is it from Dumbledore?" he asked swiftly.  
  
Indeed it was. But it concerned Moony's mission. The mission Black was, as of yet, unaware of. Not knowing what else to say, Remus spoke in a rush.  
  
"Well, it is. But not about what you're thinking. You'll find out soon, though. Don't worry." He smiled.  
  
"Well, can I read it?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"I'd rather tell you myself. But the time isn't right yet. I will tell you, though. Just not now, you'll know everything soon." He put the letter in his pocket and picked his book back up, struggling to act like nothing happened.  
  
Sirius' eyes darkened slightly with suspicion. "What's the big secret Rem? Aren't you all out of those by now? What are you hiding?"  
  
"I'm sorry, I'm just not ready to tell you yet, alright? Why can't you wait?"  
  
Blacks' voice began to rise. "Wait? I've been waiting days for you to open up! And now I find out something else is being kept from me? It's like you don't trust me or something."  
  
"I have no idea what you're talking about, Sirius. I'm hiding nothing."  
  
"Bull."  
  
"Ok, maybe I am hiding things. But believe me, it's not because I don't trust you. Its just that." Here he sighed, annoyed. "It's hard for me to get used to sharing things with anyone. It's hard to explain. Just give me a little time, please."  
  
"I think I know what's going on here." Black said lowly. "You still think of me as a murderer, don't you? You're still suspicious of me after all you've seen. I can't believe you." His voice dripped with disgust.  
  
Black's eyes were bright with anger. The legendary temper of his was threatening to take over. His hands were tight fists, shaking at his sides. Lupin got to his feet.  
  
"Padfoot, you know that isn't true." But Sirius ignored him.  
  
"You know, Moony, you're acting pretty suspicious yourself." He snapped coldly.  
  
"What?" He said softly.  
  
Sirius' voice started out barely above a whisper at first but gradually grew in volume and ferocity.  
  
"You heard me. You gave only sketchy details of your past. You've been so secretive, edgy, lately. Receiving unmarked letters that are for your eyes only. If I weren't such a trusting friend I'd think you were in with the Dark Lord himself!" By now Black was literally roaring.  
  
Remus gasped as though he'd been struck.  
  
"How could you accuse me of such a thing, Sirius? Nothing could be further from the truth. Please, you don't mean that do you?"  
  
..  
  
"Do you?" He repeated.  
  
"I don't know." Black looked down and away. He truly didn't know what to think. He looked up when he heard a loud thump. Lupin had out of frustration punched the wall.  
  
"Shit." He said softly, looking at the hole he had made. Remus then began pacing in a small circle, obviously not sure what to do. When Sirius still did nothing, though, Moony seemed to get angrier.  
  
"Damn! What do I have to do gain your trust, huh? Huh! Oh, great, gone catatonic on me, have you? Well fine, since you don't seem able to move and I can't even stand the smell of you right now ... I guess I'll be leaving."  
Too enraged to even remember that he could Apparate, Rem stormed out into the blue-ness of quiet country dusk.  
  
~~~*~~~ Hours passed ~~~*~~~  
  
It took a while before Sirius was calm enough to start worrying about Remus. It was getting late and he still hadn't returned.  
  
"Maybe he's not coming back at all." He thought. "No, he as no where else to go, not that I know of, anyway. If he's not back within the hour I'm going to go look for him."  
  
It was then that Black caught site of the small calendar on the table beside the couch. His breath caught in his throat. It was the full moon tonight. Seconds later a huge black dog was running from the house and into the trees, howling his apologies and regrets.  
  
~~~*~~~  
  
A/N - Longest chapter ever! ~Happy Dances~ Please review!!!!! I'd especially like comments on the argument. Did it seem realistic at all? Oh yeah, please no flames. ~K 4/1/03 


	8. Break a Bone

Without pause or hesitation, Padfoot charged through thorny bushes and  
thickets trying desperately to catch his friend's scent. The forest seemed  
oddly hushed and devoid of life this night. The only sound that reached  
Sirius' ears was the furious beating of his own heart.  
  
The wolf was running too, trying desperately to ignore the emptiness inside  
him. The werewolf was a sight to behold - a mixture of metals melding  
together to form a flawless killing machine. Golden eyes and steel coated  
legs.shining silver armors his back, head and tail. Along the whole of his  
muscular body was a sprinkling of white hair. It glistened gently in the  
night - like snow.  
  
The wolf was not having fun. Nothing enraged the beast more than the  
immense feeling of abandonment he was experiencing right now. After many  
failed hunting attempts the werewolf finally decided to feast on the only  
blood he could reach - his own. Somehow the pitiful creature managed to  
break the skin between his shoulder blades. The beast roared with rage as  
he twisted his massive neck, trying desperately to reach the river of  
crimson nectar flowing down his back.  
  
Passion suddenly overcame the wolf and so he howled. Howled out all the  
emotion Remus hides as a human. A chilling harmony of regret, loss, anger,  
and confusion over-laid with a bitter hopelessness.  
  
Padfoot skidded to a halt and pricked his ears at the dark, melodic cry.  
There was no doubt that it was Moony. Sirius turned and started at a dead  
sprint towards the East - towards the sound. It was then that Black noticed  
the once coal black sky was becoming a deep blue color.  
  
The wolf is not known for patience. Soon the beast was enraged and  
snarling. Small forest animals scurried away before him. He was blinded by  
a senseless anger, trying with all his might to tackle sturdy trees and  
rocks, desperate to do anything to show his worth to the world. The wolf  
had to conquer something - beat and bloody something, anything.  
  
Once again Moony was left with only one option - to destroy himself.  
  
Soon the once hauntingly beautiful animal was a torn and heaving mess,  
barely standing and freely bleeding. This is how Sirius found him.  
  
Wild yellow met tame chocolate brown as Moony and Padfoot locked eyes. A  
warning growl was clearly audible. Black wisely chose to give the werewolf  
space and settled down on the opposite side of the small clearing. Two  
accusing eyes shone green from the shadow of the tree the wolf laid  
underneath, panting heavily.  
  
A fresh wave of guilt washed over Black as he remembered how tough the  
Changes were when Remus was upset or tense.  
  
The two canines eyed each other warily as Moony's breathing slowed to a  
comfortable rate. Sirius struggled to keep himself alert as the moon took  
her sweet time going down.  
  
A soft whining reached Padfoot's ears and he knew the time was at hand. A  
shudder rushed through his form at the mere thought of The Change. He  
unconsciously shut his eyes tightly - trying to block out the memory.  
  
Black's eyes shot right back open, though, as the real thing began only a  
few meters away.  
  
Sirius was shocked at the intensity of the wolf's first yelps of pain. He  
longed to go comfort his friend, but it was not safe yet and common sense  
held him at his post.  
  
The yelps became half-human cries of agony as the werewolf's bones began to  
snap and shift position. Moony's fur was thinning and snout quickly  
receding. A low moan that almost sounded like Remus came from the creature  
as four stout paws stretched to become human hands and feet.  
  
Tears sprang to Padfoot's eyes as he thought - "I did this to him. This is  
all my fault. I did this, I did this ."  
  
Finally the external change was done, although the internal adjustments  
were still being made. Remus, naked and bleeding, rolled violently on the  
forest floor as vital organs changed size and shape within him.  
  
For a few seconds all was still as Lupin's breaths were cut short by the  
shift and replacement of his lungs. It was then that Sirius sensed that  
something was wrong. With the transformation complete, Black was human and  
at Remus' side in the blink of an eye.  
He shrugged off his cloak and covered the shivering form as best he could.  
  
Lupin was in a very bad way. He coughed harshly and painfully, wincing at  
the awful sound. He was frantically clutching at his chest and gasping for  
air, he looked almost as if he were drowning. It was terrifying to see. His  
usually steady eyes were wide and bright with panic. This only unsettled  
Black even further as he tried to figure out what was wrong with his  
friend. His eyes pierced the surrounding woods as if the answer to all his  
questions could be found there among the trees.  
  
From what he recalled, Remus never found it very difficult to breathe after  
the Change. Sure, he was always a little winded . but not like this. Remus  
seemed to be having an asthma attack. That would make sense . except that  
Lupin had never before had asthma in his life! Perhaps he was in shock and  
hyperventilating?  
  
Suddenly Sirius remembered the incident back at the house in the workout  
room. Maybe it was the same sort of thing. Maybe it would pass just as  
quickly this time. But all hope of that vanished as he gazed back down at  
the werewolf. Remus' breaths had become shorter and shallower and his eyes  
were closed.  
  
Something inside him told Sirius that soon Lupin would stop breathing  
altogether.  
  
Quickly brandishing his wand as if from nowhere, Black struggled to recall  
a spell that would help Remus. But he could think of none.  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
A/N - Please excuse the long wait! I've had awful writer's block as of  
late. ~_~  
Thank you for reading. Reviews are welcome! Please don't flame. I know it's  
short but at least it's something! And now that school's over you can  
expect more updates shortly - maybe even tomorrow. ^_^ 


	9. Burdens

~~~~~*Dedicated To Jackie (Po) Nguyen*~~~~~  
  
A/N - "~these are Sirius' thoughts. ~"  
  
~~~*~~~  
  
Black struggled to recall a spell that would help Remus. But he could think of none.  
  
~~~*~~~  
  
Adrenaline tore through Sirius' veins as he racked his mind for a spell. Meanwhile Remus had stopped shivering although there was a blue tint surrounding his lips. His pale and bloodied chest was rising and falling at a painful speed. With every inhalation there was less and less power behind it. Moony was a slowly dying flame. And Sirius was trying his best find a lighter.  
  
"~What I need is a spell. Where do you find a spell? In a.. in a spell BOOK! ~"  
  
A great echoing shout burst from Black like a battle cry.  
  
"Accio Spell book!"  
  
Sirius didn't know how far away Rem's house was, how long the book would take to reach him, or even if the spell worked correctly. All he knew was he's done all he could and now all that was left was the wait.  
  
He clutched his friend's arm as another round of coughs shook his body. Even the coughs were weaker. Slowly but steadily Lupin was breaking down. It seemed that only sheer resolve was keeping his lungs grudgingly pumping.  
  
"Just a little longer, Remus. Hold on for just a second." He said, placing his hand over his old friend's heart. The beats were off time and quick, like a stumbling sprinter. Sirius tightened his grip on Moony's limp body as his heart began to slow down to a dangerous level.  
  
It was then that a soft rustling sound reached his ears.  
  
"C'mon, c'mon, c'mon." Padfoot whispered harshly, staring hard at Rem's chest, willing it to keep moving. Up, down, up, down .  
  
At last the book reached Black's waiting hand. As luck would have it, there was already a bookmark near the middle of the heavy tome. Pages were torn at random as Sirius frantically opened to the marked page. His animal instincts told him that this is where he'd find Rem's salvation.  
  
He scanned the page speedily, not really soaking up any information. Just as he caught sight of the warning at the end of the short passage the slight back ground noise of Lupin's breaths faltered. Up, down, up, then slowly down again. This time no up followed.  
  
***The Deburdenium Spell***  
  
An ancient and rarely used incantation, Deburdenium is used to temporarily free a tortured mind from stress and worry.  
  
There are no spells of this nature as effective as Deburdenium simply because it is one of a kind. Spells like Deburdenium were banned soon after initial testing in 1811 because it was said by some to do more harm than good.  
  
This is because the spell-castor who performs Deburdenium takes all of the recipients' fears and issues unto themselves as a kind of physical malady. Records tell us that those tested showed the following symptoms (with varying degrees of severity) -  
  
Fever  
  
Sore muscles  
  
Chest pain  
  
Trouble sleeping  
  
Shortness of breath  
  
Overall physical weakness  
  
WARNING - practice extreme caution when using this spell. Avoid use for extended periods of time. Physical activity is to be kept to a minimum. Researchers estimate that if a body under 'the burden' is overworked, respiratory and cardiac complications may arise. There is even a risk of comma or death. If such complications do occur, remove spell immediately with "Reburdenium".  
  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
Sincere as a prayer, desperate as a plea, Sirius removed the burden, put it back on himself, and gave Remus the breath of life. all with one word.  
  
"Reburdenium!"  
  
~~~*~~~  
  
An hour later Lupin was back in his own bed, breathing smoothly and silently. Black had cleaned up the wounds as best as he could and dressed him in loose-fitting sleeping robes. Now he sat in an armchair beside the bed reading over the Deburdenium page for what seemed to be the 50th time. The lights were not on but the morning sun through the window provided adequate light.  
  
Sirius now realized that the very book in his lap was the one Remus rushed off to get days ago when neither one of them could sleep. He knew now that the spell - Deburdenium - it was the reason for his friend's episode in the workout room. It was meant to help him, and it did. but at what price? Lupin had always been too selfless for his own good, but even this was a little much. He nearly died because of the burden. He nearly died just because he wanted his friend to get some rest.  
  
"~He nearly died because of me. ~" Sirius concluded sullenly.  
  
It was unclear whether Moony was in a deep sleep or a comma. Of course Sirius hoped he was merely asleep, but he couldn't help fearing the worst. He had the feeling that if he tried to shake Remus awake he would not respond. Padfoot couldn't bring himself to try it, though. Pity and an odd anger filled him when he looked upon the skeletal form of his best friend.  
  
"~How could he be so stupid? He had to have read the warning.he's not careless. I know he was trying to help but he shouldn't have kept such vital information from me." He thought bitterly. "How could he do this to himself? ~"  
  
Black put the book away quietly and sat watching his friend for about an hour or so. Rem didn't move an inch the entire time. This proved to cement the idea of a comma into Sirius' mind. When he felt Lupin's condition was stable enough, he went to shower and eat. Upon getting dressed, though, Padfoot realized just how exhausted he was and no longer felt like eating. He was asleep on the couch in a matter of minutes.  
  
Sirius awoke at around 1 pm. After slowly stretching his stiff muscles he went over to open the window and let in some fresh air. The sun was much brighter than before but there were some pretty dark clouds off in the distance. It was nothing to worry about, though. After doing his best to fix his disheveled hair, Black made himself a large ham and cheese sand- which and made his way to Lupin's bedroom. Remus was still not moving. His eyes were still closed and his breathing still as soft as ever. Nothing seemed to change at all. On one hand it's good that he isn't any worse. On the other it's disappointing that he is no better off. Sighing sleepily, Padfoot settled himself once more into the chair by the bed and stared out of the window. Nothing much outwardly showed the guilt or remorse he was feeling.  
  
But he did allow himself some slack as he reached for the glass of water on Rem's bedside table. He glanced at the still body of his friend and spoke as if he could hear.  
  
"I hope you do come back soon, Moony. I honestly have no idea what I'd do with myself if I was alone again."  
  
It was back, that dull ache of hopelessness, the anger long suppressed. Anger at the Ministry, at Peter, and at himself for being stupid enough to ever trust the rat. The guilt was back too, multiplied 3-fold by what he did to Remus. As one man in the room was gaining back his physical health, the other man, the one not in bed, was mentally and emotionally weakening.  
  
"~First I kill my best friend and his wife and ruin Harry's upbringing, now I nearly kill my only real friend in the world. After I label him a traitor and a liar he spares me pain and nearly dies in the process. ~"  
  
"~I am the truly cursed one between us. All I touch is turned to dust. Rem brings everyone comfort and makes them feel safe. No wonder the kids at Hogwarts loved him so much. If a kid saw me they'd run away in terror. The only one who wasn't scared of me was Harry. ~"  
  
"~He's my godson, and he's lonely. He's suffering because of me and I can't see him because of those idiot cowards that run the show. I need to see him. I miss him. But no, I can't risk being seen. Shit, I hate this. All I've done lately is sit around watching the world around me fall apart. I'm sick of this crap. I'd leave right now if it weren't for Remus. ~"  
  
Sirius set his elbows on the edge of Lupin's bed and held his head in his hands. Black looked up when he felt Remus shifting around on the bed. Sure enough, Moony was conscience. Softly glowing eyes gazed at him from behind long tawny and uneven bangs. It was a strangely tense and awkward moment. Sirius found himself flashing back to when he first entered the clearing and faced the wolf..  
  
Rem broke from the stare first and peered at his surroundings carefully, taking in his bandages, the afternoon sun, and the fact that he was in his bed. After a moment he turned to Sirius and tapped his left wrist three times.  
  
"It's almost 1:20. You haven't been out over a day, full moon just last night. Why aren't you talking?"  
  
Moony pointed to his throat. Padfoot handed him the glass of water. After a couple of tries he managed to get his voice to sound halfway normal.  
  
"You removed it?" his voice is quiet and careful.  
  
"Yeah." His is cold, almost taunting - as if to ask "So what?"  
  
"But . why?"  
  
"You don't remember?"  
  
Remus shakes his head in answer. "All I remember is being cold and."  
  
"And.?"  
  
"I couldn't breathe. It was so heavy. Something inside me - 'the burden' was so heavy. It was crushing me slowly." Rem closed his eyes then and sank deeper into the pillow. He crossed his arms and looked out the window to the sunny world outside.  
  
"I must've blacked out. What exactly happened out there?"  
  
So Sirius told him everything that had happened up to that point. Remus listened with rapt attention. He was shaking his head by the time Black was done.  
  
"Why didn't you tell me about the side effects?" asked Sirius.  
  
"Would you have let me do it?"  
  
"Hell no!"  
  
"Exactly. I had to do it, Sirius. I couldn't just stand by and watch you wander aimlessly around trapped in your own memories and regrets. I had to help, and at the time it was the only way I could. If we'd switched places I know for a fact you'd have done the exact same thing for me."  
  
"Well you got me there, I guess."  
  
" I didn't see this coming at all. I thought I could handle it, ok? I didn't want you to worry and fuss over my health. I'm so sorry, Padfoot. I never counted on the effects being so severe. I didn't want you to find out like that."  
  
"Don't worry about it, Moony. It's all right. I'm just glad you're okay. No big deal." He said casually, trying to conceal his true feelings.  
  
"Whatever you say." Lupin said suspiciously. Luckily, though, he didn't pursue the subject any further.  
  
"Well, I guess I'll be leaving you alone since you seem in good enough health to me. Tell me if you need anything, ok?"  
  
"Yeah, sure. Thanks for everything, Sirius. Sorry again about all this."  
  
"It's all right, man, stop beating yourself up. The wolf took care of that for you."  
  
The two friends laughed to themselves, momentarily forgetting their physical and emotional pain. Remus gasped in pain and surprise, clutching at his side.  
  
"Oh, shit. Sorry." Said Black.  
  
"No, it's nothing. Just. remind me to talk to you in a couple hours, alright?"  
  
"Ok, sure." And with that Sirius was gone.  
  
~~~*~~~  
  
Rem was tense and in pain. He winced as he took a look at his injuries.  
  
"I know I have to tell him today. But I didn't count on the burden being on him already. Now I'm sure he won't react well. Damn he's going to be pissed. After my little show of weakness last night he'll be even more ready to protect me and keep me safe at home. I need to make him see that it's his turn to be looked after. Its my turn to be strong." Lupin thought.  
  
"Whether he likes it or not - I am going. I leave tomorrow."  
  
~~~*~~~  
  
A/N - my longest chapter EVER!!!! ^___^ Yay!  
  
Please Review! I'm open to anything, as long as it isn't a senseless, pointless flame. 


	10. Not Alone

Remus took a long shower and then carefully re-dressed his wounds. He made his way to the kitchen to write a letter that would soon be sent to Dumbledore. Sirius made himself and his injured friend a late lunch of soup and snack crackers. It wasn't much, but it was filling. Black sat down across from Lupin and opened up the Daily Prophet.  
  
A barely visible drizzle was heard against the windowpane. The gentle tapping was nearly the only sound in the entire house. It was not a tense silence, not even a bored one. Oddly enough, after all the commotion with the full moon, the silence was for once content - and warm.  
  
Both ex-marauders seemed to have forgotten their argument they had less than a day ago. It was almost as if Siri's apology was in saving Rem's life - and Remus was being too secretive and so paid for that by nearly dying. They were even now, and there was no need for mushy long-winded apologies. It's strange logic, yes, but simple and effective.  
  
Moony cherished the quiet, knowing all too soon it would be disrupted by his announcement. Pausing from his writing, Rem placed his quill down and looked around the room. It was hard to believe that this would be his last night here - possibly his last night here /ever/. But no, he would not think about that. He could not die on this mission. He simply wouldn't let himself.  
  
Lupin soon became impatient with himself and so decided not to wait for Black to bring up the subject. Tapping into his old Gryffindor courage, he spoke up.  
  
"Sirius, I need to -"  
  
Padfoot threw down the paper angrily snarling, "I can't believe that son of a b***h coward!"  
  
Eyes wide, Remus tried to ease the tension. "Uh.I'm sorry?"  
  
"Not you! Fudge! All of 'em!" Siri shouted, gesturing passionately towards the paper.  
  
"Oh." was the quiet reply.  
  
"They /still/ won't accept what is happening! They're lying to themselves and the people they /claim/ to be protecting! Those idiots - they think Voldemort will just go away if they ignore him! They're all crazy."  
  
Before Remus could think of anything to say, Sirius stormed out the door and into the front yard mumbling something about needing fresh air. Rem sighed heavily.  
  
"I should have known." He thought glumly. "The burden's gotten to him already."  
  
Wincing slightly as he stood, Moony limped briskly to the open door and looked out at Padfoot through the screen door. He was about 15 feet away from the house, standing very still in the misty rain. The grass at Black's feet glistened in the lazy sun. Though birds were chirping and forest creatures played tag among the trees - surrounding Sirius was an aura of darkness. The air surrounding his form seemed thick with despair - colors were duller and the sun was no comfort.  
  
Lupin was not concerned about the escaped convict's physical safety. There were plenty of trees and magical wards protecting the area from prying eyes. The real issue was his mental state.  
  
"I have to help." Remus thought.  
  
The only problem was, he had no idea what to say. How could he possibly hope to make this tortured man feel comfort and reassurance? Moony stepped out of the house and towards his friend, all the while hoping to be hit with some kind of inspirational pep-talk that would lift Siri's spirits. Life usually is not that simple, though. Rem was left to devise his own plan of action.  
  
"Hey." Was Lupin's brilliant, hard-hitting opening line.  
  
No response. 'Oh well, might as well jump right into it.'  
  
"I know they are all fools, but there's nothing we can do about it right now. Dumbledore knows the truth. That's what is important, right?"  
  
Padfoot just sighed in answer. "Sirius, come on. You're not alone anymore; you don't have to close up and hide your emotions so much. Please, tell me how you feel so I can help."  
  
"You can't help, Remus. You can't help because you don't know how I feel."  
  
For some reason, Moony was greatly offended by this statement. 'How dare he assume what I feel?'  
  
"Oh really? And how exactly would you know that? You don't know exactly how my life has been these past years. I have a feeling you're going through much of the same crap I am feeling today and have felt before."  
  
"I somehow doubt that." For the first time Black turned to face Lupin. Rem was holding most of his weight on his left leg and looking back at Sirius with a calculating and some how pained look on his face. There was a crease of tension between his eyebrows.  
  
"Of all the people you know, I understand you more than anyone. I have also been wrongly accused of murder, hated for something you cannot control. I know what its like to hide in caves and forests because of who you are." Rem broke off - turning his gave towards the trees not 15 meters away.  
  
"So you understand me because you're a werewolf?" Padfoot sounded un- impressed.  
  
"No." Moony countered sharply - hurt by his friend's lack of sympathy.  
  
"I also feel the same guilt you do, for Lily and James. I was always the so-called smart one. I should have seen it coming - should have seen the signs. I also feel remorse at not believing your pleas of innocence - all those wasted years spent hating you. And I felt awful thinking of Harry living with those muggles. I hated myself for being too cowardly to try to contact him. But the worst part was being so alone."  
  
"There was no one around to go to for advice, no one to talk to or relate to. I thought Peter was dead and I had no idea you were still sane. My whole family was gone in one night - and to me - it was all my fault."  
  
"Padfoot, do you see now that you're not alone in this?"  
  
In answer Black turned around and went to sit down on one of the old chairs on the porch. Lupin took it as a good sign. At least he was clam enough to sit down. And now he was closer to getting inside and hopefully spending some time together before their last night under the same roof.  
  
Remus slowly, almost cautiously, followed Sirius to the porch as if fearing he'd run away. He took a seat beside his friend and waited for him to say something. After a short pause, he did talk. His voice was heavy with gloom and had a slightly ashamed quality to it.  
  
"I know I'm not alone. But it still feels like it. I feel so trapped, Moony. And I miss Harry. I can't stand it, not being able to do anything or help anyone ." Siri trailed off as if he had more to say but he was simply too tired to continue speaking. Some emotions are simply too complicated to put into words.  
  
"I fully understand what you mean, Padfoot - believe me. I've spent a good number of years in my own private hell full of regret and painful memories." He paused and took a breath. "The real thing you have to watch out for is self pity. It sneaks up on you and before you can do anything you're drowning in it."  
  
When Black showed no sign of speaking up, Rem continued. "Don't go blaming yourself for things utterly out of control - it does nothing to help the situation. Do your best not to dwell on the past - look at the brighter side of things."  
  
Sirius gave a snort of sarcastic laughter. Remus' shoulders sagged.  
  
"Hey, you're not in Azkaban anymore, right? You have food, decent clothes, and a warm place to stay. Not to mention Harry adores you."  
  
"But I can't see him Remus! He's not here with me. And I'll be back in my cell the moment I fall asleep tonight - I assure you. Damn it Moony there is no brighter side! Not when you live in the shadows . "  
  
"You're wrong." Lupin said lowly and softly, shaking his head.  
  
"How can you say that when your whole life had been one long hopeless struggle for normality and happiness? Prejudice, loneliness, regret, you said it all yourself."  
  
"This isn't about me." Muttered Remus.  
  
"What?" said Sirius. "I didn't catch that last bit."  
  
"I - " Lupin took a deep impatient breath. "I don't know." He deadpanned.  
  
Padfoot turned his face down and away from Lupin's.  
  
"I honestly don't know why I can say that. I don't know why I don't just give up. I - I'm sorry."  
  
"You can't help me, then. I knew you couldn't. It's all right, though. Don't feel bad about - "  
  
He stopped mid sentence as Moony had shot out of his chair and turned to face Sirius with an amber fire in his eyes. "No." he snapped. "I will help you. I will prove to you that justice is not dead in this world! It's alive as long as there are still people willing to fight for it!"  
  
Black just stared up at the werewolf for a moment, absorbing what was just said. His eyes were wide with surprise at the outburst but the rest of his face seemed oddly still - as if in a trance.  
  
Remus stared hard into Siri's eyes, waiting for his words to take effect. Slowly, slowly but surely, confusion spread over Black's countenance.  
  
"But," He said slowly. "What do you mean fight for it? I can't do anything. I'm in hiding. I'm to stay out of sight; you know that."  
  
"Yes, you're quite right about that, Sirius. That is why I'm going to be doing to fighting for you this time around."  
  
"Uh, okay." Said Black with a raised eyebrow.  
  
"But what did you mean about justice, Rem? You've lost me. The only way justice could come about is if Wormtail was caught and I was - " He paused in disbelief. His eyes shot to Lupin's.  
  
"If I was free." He finished softly.  
  
. "Exactly."  
  
Sirius searched Moony's face for a hint of mirth or some other tip off that this was a joke. But all he found was a solemn and determined gaze tense with anticipation. He was standing solidly - equal weight on both feet. His thin shoulders were pulled back slightly. It became clear that Remus wasn't lying.  
  
Slowly Remus relaxed and sat back down beside Sirius, carefully looking at the ground near his feet and not anywhere near his friend's gaze.  
  
"You - you're not serious about this are you? I mean ... how? What- "  
  
"Let's go inside." Said Lupin abruptly.  
  
The screen door shut quietly behind them, leaving the animals to their games.  
  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
A/N - Thank you for reading and please REVIEW and tell me what you liked about it! I'll take any comment that's not a flame! I know it's not my best but I tried .  
  
Sorry I took my time with this installment. I was busy reading book 5. I'll probably jump on the bandwagon and write a few things to try and cope/show the love/ express my grief. Part of me is still in denial, though. I know I often say Remus is my #1, but to be blunt it's kind of a draw between the two canines. I'm just glad he will live on here on ff.net.  
  
Next chapter - Remus explains him self and they say goodbye. 


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